Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
