ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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