Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
