Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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