it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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