Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
