Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
