There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
