I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Four minutes until I can fart!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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