I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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