I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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