So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
