im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
as a side note pls kill me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
