She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
