My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
