Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
