3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
