No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
