I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
