I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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