You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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