u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
