Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
