I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
