Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
