wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
