Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
