did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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