Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
