I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
