At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
