I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
