I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
