wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!