when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
