Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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