Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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