I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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