all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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