i can't believe i had my finger in that
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sorry about my life...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
