So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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