I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
