By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
