Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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