Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
