Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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