I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
