Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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