Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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