Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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