please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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