Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
