that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
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Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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