This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
