I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
