at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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